Past, present, future...

Recently, it has come to my attention that the popular questions seem to be circulating in my path- “What do you want to do with your life?” “Where do you want to go to college?” “Do you want to go to college?” “What is the Lord’s will for your life?”…”What’s next?” My answer usually ranges anywhere between “I don’t know” to “I have no clue.”
I, being the non-planner, live-strictly-in-the-present person that I am, have responded in the only logically way to respond when faced with the clear uncertainty and constant questions: panic.
Deadlines, essays, requirements, and applications all begin to swirl in my head as I face this enormous unknown called the future. As restlessness begins to set in, Truth begins to combat the deceitful worries that have plagued my mind. Taking a deep breath out, releasing, surrendering, and trusting. HE knows- even when I do not. Peace reigns.
As this battle of trusting over worrying continued into this week, I sat in my youth group service last night, hearing truth spoken of the power of the testimony of redemption we have in Jesus Christ, I was reminded of something: just how faithful and steadfast my Lord has been in my life

It was a Saturday night. I had just gotten back from a youth missions retreat at my church. We were training for our summer missions trip to Ecuador, which would be my first missions trip I had ever been on.  As I began to settle into bed, everybody asleep but me, my thoughts of the day consumed me. I would never be good enough. As I witnessed those around me, the many people I strove to become like, seeking after the God I so desperately wanted to know and love, a thought came over me: I would never be good enough. Sin had me entangled, my worship fell flat, my words and prayers felt fake. No matter how hard I strove and strove, it was no use; I would always pale in comparison. My heart began to break- if only I could love Him like they loved him, maybe he would speak to me; maybe He would embrace me like how they say He does to them. It would always be an unreciprocated pursuit. What was I doing wrong? Why was I the only one who could not know Him like they knew Him? I would never be enough. Tears begin to spill onto my cheeks as heavy words of my brokenness spilled from my lips. I felt raw, undone, and unfixable before Him; ashamed that He saw me this way. The lies ensued.
Without warning, I felt a sudden urge to grab my bible. I quickly dismissed the thought thinking it was surely just me- obviously, the Lord was not speaking to me… Look at me! I was a mess! The urgency remained; doubtingly, I grabbed my bible. As the pages fell open, my eyes caught these words…

Psalms 40...
 I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
 He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.

My heart stopped. He heard me. And like a wave, I felt the peace of God invade me and the presence of the Lord fill my room. The lies were silenced; all I could hear was my Savior’s promises being spoken over me…
“I have loved you with an everlasting love. I do not condemn you. You are mine.”
As my head swirled and my heart leapt, I truly fell in love with Jesus that day. He was no longer a distant idea or a romanticized thought- He was reality. And He loved me!

As I am reminded of that night, I am overwhelmed. He has remained even when I have wavered; even in my weakness, doubt, and hurt. The questions of the future are no longer fearful or scary when compared to His goodness. Years passing since then, I have struggled. I have been in seasons of hardship and victory, loss and blessing, dry and plentiful… but through it all, I have come to know Him more- the greatest joy in life. My prayer for you as you read this, is that you will be encouraged, and reminded that He is a FAITHFUL God- the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, who never leaves us nor forsakes us, our perfect peace, Lord of lords, King of kings---and so much greater then we can ever comprehend.